It is frustrating how people never change. I don't know what it is, maybe I just have a knack for befriending the most stubborn people in the world, but no matter how many second chances or high hopes I give out, in the end people never change. It can seem optimistic for a while, that perhaps a corner is being turned, but the corner was never turned. Just straightened out and readjusted to fit the requirements of his or her own mentality. I think I will stop saying "No really, listen, this person is different, have some faith. They won't make the same mistake again." Because to these people I guess these reoccurring situations don't look like mistakes. They look like comfort and routine, a different variation of the same situation they have always been in, will always wiggle themselves into, and will forever be stuck in. Because people never change. I will continue to have faith at least in the idea that the universe is stable through this kind of humanity.

Red

RED HAIR! I'm definitely excited about it. It's almost as if it's symbolizing this fresh start I'm giving myself.

I finally practiced today. I'm not sure exactly what took me so long, maybe i felt like I needed a longer break than I deserved. I doubt it. Hopefully I can kick myself back into shape soon, it was rough going today.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly on the idea that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with myself. Sure, I'm going to school for a degree in music performance, but why can't I visualize myself playing in a professional orchestra? Why was it so easy to let my french horn sit in the corner gathering dust for one week after another after another? From there, my thoughts direct to alternatives.

Option 1: Maybe I can't visualize myself in a professional orchestra because I don't want to be there. After all school this past Spring semester made me super unhappy with myself and my life. Maybe there's another passion in my life that I haven't yet discovered, and I need time to put myself out there to discover it. After all, I've always done what I knew would make everyone around me happy, whether I realized it or not. Almost like taking the easy path, the one that was already constructed for me. However, what am I gonna do when I realize this other passion but I'm obviously no good at it (because the only thing I'm relatively good at is music) and my scholarship money goes down the drain and is replaced by a big fat loan? Too many people are counting on the fact that school is free for me.

Option 2: Perhaps I'm just in a rut. Perhaps I'll get back to school in the Fall and jump right back to where I started, excited to learn music, excited about the uncertainty of my career... And all this thinking is my mind playing tricks on me... I'm gonna be a super awesome famous french horn player that travels the world and is first chair in one of the Big 5 orchestras, or perhaps one overseas... Right.

Option 3: If Option 2 were right, why can't I get myself excited about it? And anyways, whenever I try and think of possible alternative passions, absolutely nothing comes to mind. Not even music. That's not the way a passion should be, is it?

Option 4: Perhaps I have no passion for any career there could possibly be out there. No, hear me out. Sometimes I think that not only I, but most of society looks at life in the wrong way. Maybe not the wrong way, but from a different direction. The big thing for most people is to find what you love and then find a way to get payed doing it. What if it's possible to be happy with a job that simply supports you while you live a passionate life in other ways? What if there's a way to be employed for sustenance and outside of the work day use your time to enhance relationships, travel, see what this world has to offer and what God put in it for you to find, or to simply enjoy what you have right in front of you? I feel like that is a very reasonable option, and perhaps the reason why I can't think of what I'm passionate about.

I have a lot of options to consider...

So today was a very lazy day. It was a combination of watching Scrubs, reading a book I've already read before outside in the sun, reading said book inside when the sun went away, and watching some more Scrubs. All in all though, it was still a good day. Normally days like this stress me out. There has to be something productive I should be doing, until I remember that when every day is a productive one, usually a very unproductive day is very important for your sanity. At least, that's my belief. Especially since it's summer and I no longer have any obligations besides the 18 hours a week that I work since I every other employee is full time and I can't pick up anymore hours. I'll look at that as a good thing too ;)

Jeremiah has been down in Tennessee for a couple shows this week. One in Knoxville a couple days ago, and another in Nashville tonight. What was awesome was that the venue they played it was able to live stream their show so I could watch it with my friend Ashley. It's nice to think that if I wanted to, I could tell people that I'm dating a rock star. But of course I'm much more humbled than that ;) Oh, and I'm still making friends! I really do feel like I forgot what it's like to have friends, so this past week truly has been amazing. Ready for some Kentucky thunderstorms for tomorrow, and a fun Mother's Day this weekend :)

It must be the weather...

A wonderful week is in store for us! April showers do bring May flowers :) Today was my third day of jogging this week and I feel great. It might sound gross, but walking into my apartment literally dripping in sweat makes me feel super accomplished.

It really must be the weather. So much good is here. My final grades have all finally been posted, and my official GPA as of my second semester is 3.77. Dean's List! My relationship with Jeremiah might be one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and it keeps getting better every day. Seriously. Each day brings new sparks of commitment and laughter. Oh, and I've made friends! For those of you that know me, I have some crazy social anxiety so making friends is a huge accomplishment. Our new kitty Midnight is acclimating herself and her three legs very well to city living. As of now she's lounging in the sun on the back porch. Etc etc.

It must be the weather :)

Everything is happy now. I don't know exactly what happened, I suppose just an impulsive change of heart. Suddenly all the good in my life is ridiculously accentuated and the bad is easy to shrug off. School is done, I have a boyfriend that loves me, a family that's always going to be there for me, and I'm starting to regain some of the friendships I lost in my reclusiveness. Sunny days are sunnier and gloomy days are beautiful in their own way. I think I've returned for good and it feels good to be back.

Respiratory Infections and Surprises :)

I am home sick for the second day in a row! I just came down with a respiratory infection, which is perfect given that I am a wind instrumentalist. I can't be coughing up my lung! It's quite important to my education and hopefully future career.

But look who's here!!!

He surprised me by walking right in the door yesterday as I was all bundled up on the couch feeling quite sickly. It was the best surprise ever, especially given my ill-condition. I didn't have to be patient after all :)

Today was the beginning of the end of Jeremiah's tour. The last week! I'll see him next Saturday doing what he does best up in Chi-town, where we will continue on home and he will not leave me for a good amount of time. That idea is comforting. His talk of label offers is both exciting and worrisome, unfortunately. I missed him such a ridiculous amount this tour, what's gonna happen when he's gone for two months? Three? Six? Cross-country, international? I wonder if I'll become accustomed to his being gone on a consistent basis or if it will be like this every time. If I will be able to adjust to his absence becoming a majority of the time. I feel as if he's not worried at all. That brings me comfort as well, to a degree.

I've decided I have the worst luck in the world. My car being bludgeoned while I was at school by what was most likely an oversized truck and ego (probably with those stupid fake testicles hanging from the hitch), who obviously had no reason to leave me at the very least an apology note, given his high horse stature. I'm always the one at work who gets to stay late to wait for the stylist that's running behind so I don't get to eat any of the appetizers at the work party that I was supposed to attend. Oh, and I'm only getting $50 on my tax return this year as opposed to my several hundred dollar return from last year. I was looking forward to buying some essentials for my music degree. Being a performance major without a metronome or a tuner is a tad shameful.

School needs to end. School needs to end, and Jeremiah needs to come home. Everything will be better when I am not up to my eyeballs in stress and worry and problem upon problem upon problem with no one to hold me tight at the end of the day and tell me tomorrow is a new day.

Sigh.

Today, I decided to take Jeremiah's advice, and I woke up.

Normally before class, I sleep as long as I can until it's absolutely necessary for me to get up. Today, I woke up at 6:30, and took the time to not only work out, but shower, have breakfast, play on the computer a bit, and make myself a healthy lunch. It was this crazy awesome feeling of productiveness even though I didn't get anything necessary done. It's like I was being productive for myself. I don't do much for myself very often no matter how much I say I do, so this was a very nice change.

I think I woke up in more ways than one, though. I feel energized, and I have this new commitment and expectation on myself to get shit done. I'm gonna finish painting my apartment today, and I think I might rearrange my bedroom. I've already scheduled a day over Spring Break for Spring Cleaning, and I'm definitely all up for practicing and muscling through the horrid ranges on my french horn. Maybe soon I'll begin to chip away the grime that's not only in my french horn playing, but in my mind and my body. I'm ready to really start new and take a fresh breath of air.

It's time for me to feel inspired again. I'm tired of this monotonous bullshit.

As of late, I am beginning to understand the reasoning behind those that drop out of the music school. I never thought I would, but it's one of those cheap beacons of hope lying just around the corner of a path you know you shouldn't take. You know; the easy way out. I'm resisting temptation.

I've also begun to notice that there's a healthy kind of humble and an unhealthy kind. When I arrived at the music school, I was definitely humbled by the fact that I am not a good french horn player (yet). Which was very healthy. It gave me room to grow, people to inspire me to do my best and strive for that crazy goal you know you shouldn't reach for because it's so ridiculous, but you're reassured by these people that anything can happen. Anything being, you may reach that goal, or you may be taken down a path that you never knew you'd enjoy even more. After digging deeper into my second semester, however, I have discovered the unhealthy kind of humbling. The kind of humbling that makes you feel like you're not good enough at all. It just puts you in your place and tells you "this person is better than you," with no reassurance of optimism. In hind sight, I can't find the distinction between toeing that line and the tipping point which caused me to lose all my confidence. I'm still waiting to get it back.

Jeremiah's only been gone a week and a half. April 3rd can't come soon enough.

Hopefully something a bit more cheery next time.

Sorry it's been so long since posting. I haven't felt very inspired lately. I have indeed tried, given that I've started writing a new post at least 3 times before giving up and waiting another day. I still don't really have anything to talk about, I just figured if I got started my thoughts would get rolling...

...

Any minute now.

Okay. One of the most frustrating things in the world is finding the balance/threshold of your ability to complain before it is looked upon as nonsense instead of venting or justified irritation. For example; I am second chair in the french horn studio at UofL. On all the orchestra programs, my name is last. Upon seeing it for the first time, I did a double take, hoping maybe it was in alphabetical order, or maybe order of class? But it wasn't. It was a blatant error, and my name was blatantly and obviously last. The worst part about it was that I knew it was arrogant and childish to complain about where your name was on a piece of paper, so I didn't. However, I work my ass off daily to know that I am in that chair for a reason, not because I got lucky in an audition. Not only on a piece of paper have I been misrepresented, but on part assignments. Even with friends! I don't do what I do to receive recognition for it, I don't help out friends so they'll help me in return or glorify what I do, I do it because I love helping people; it's who I am, I am a pushover, a people pleaser, etc etc, and I love being it because I love making people happy. However, it gets tiring when the favor is never returned.

Like I said, a balance. I will continue doing what I do knowing that karma is real; I will bounce back, my turn will come, blah blah blah. But I am starting to become quite exhausted.

Once I get rolling, I just keep on rolling, apparently.

Today was legitimately a bad day.

I hate the fact that I already feel like I have to filter what I put on this blog.

Today was a snow day! I felt more like a little kid than I have in a long time; snowmen, snowball fights and all. I really do have wonderful friends. All day I was able to hang out with people I love being around. Found some rainboots at Target with Jimmy, built a snowman with Brandon and Elizabeth, had a snowball fight with all three plus Dan, then warmed up while watching What Women Want. Afterwards I went to study with Aaron at the School of Music. Comstock Hall was open, so we laid all our notes out on the stage and had a very unproductive time of not studying. We then continued on to Wicks for some pizza with Gregg(gggg) and Kate and some other peoples. Then LOST!

Wonderful wonderful day. Sorry the past couple blogs have just felt like a compilation of Tweets. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a bit more insightful.

It's been a few days. Since last Tuesday:

Wednesday: had to skip work to go to Dr. Tunnell's Faculty Trumpet Recital. I'm gonna have an awful paycheck after missing last Saturday as well.
Thursday: didn't have to go to any of my classes. Woke up at 6:30 in the morning to play at the KMEA breakfast in the horn ensemble. That was awful. However, being excused from my theory class, piano class being canceled as well as orchestra rehearsal left me with a completely free day to hang out with Jeremiah :)
Friday: yet another bright and early morning at the music school as we left for the CODA conference down in Atlanta, GA. An eight hour drive on a bus with friends is always a good time.
Saturday: a performance at Kennessaw State followed by two hours of student conductors attempting to not suck at conducting our orchestra with the Firebird Suite and Verdi. Afterward, a slightly rowdy evening at the hotel, complete with Kings and the transfer of beer and ice from room to room with a shower curtain. I succumbed to holding refuge in my hotel room with the few people that didn't feel like being crazy rowdy. Way too much stress.
Sunday: a nice drive back and a disappointing Super Bowl. Commercials and all.

Today: skippped theory this morning. A rather uneventful day of classes and work. Went to Quill's to study for history with Jon since Aaron decided to bail to go sledding on the zero amount of snow that was covering Louisville, KY at 9:00 tonight. Bhah.

Now listening to my All State performance from my junior year. Hanson's Romantic Suite. It's not as good as I remembered it. Hoping for a snow day tomorrow as well.

And I just realized this entire blog sounds like numerous Twitter posts.

Today is the big day, the premiere of the final season of Lost. I don't know whether to be extremely stoked or extremely sad. This feels like the moment I started reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. An entire era of my life was coming to a close with a 1,000+ page book. And just for the record, I did in fact cry when I finished it. Lost definitely wasn't an entire era of  my life, especially since I didn't start watching it devotedly until the third season had started, and I had started with the second season, not the first. Don't worry, I caught up and all was in order! I am just as much a Lost fanatic as the next person.

Exactly 108 minutes prior to the season premiere of Lost is the equivalent of one hour and 48 minutes, which will be 6:12pm. I will definitely be documenting what's happening at 6:12 this evening.

Why yes, I am a Lost fanatic.

I've had a pile of dishes in my sink that have been begging me to be washed for the past three days. So I decided to post a blog.

I realized today how behind I am on pretty much everything. Money issues; LG&E bill looming, UofL messed up my scholarship money (go figure), paying rent, etc. Music school issues; getting all the books I need, all my solos and etude books and such, figuring out how the hell I'm gonna get into the CSO with the high register I have (or lack there of). Oh, and most pertinently, how am I going to watch Lost tomorrow!? The premiere of the last season. What a beautiful and detrimental moment. So bittersweet.
I'm getting shit done tonight, however. I made three lists today. One, a list of things I had to do today. Two, a list of things I need to have done by the end of the week. And three, an hour by hour schedule for today and tomorrow to get said lists nice and check marked. It's going to be a swell evening.

And I s'pose I'll start with dishes.

I just realized how much I love what I do. I mean, the fact that I was unable to play the Finale of Stravinsky's Firebird Suite tonight because my embouchure was screwed up from a cheesy grin goes to show exactly how much I am seriously in love with performing music. To represent a composer's ideas for him, to present his passions to an audience, to have that sort of responsibility to portray exactly what he wanted to portray to a crowd is simply intoxicating.

Sigh. I will be here someday.

I got ten hours of sleep last night. More than I've gotten in a very very long time.

Today is Sunday! A lazy Sunday, to be more precise; my favorite kind. Me and Jeremiah are heading to church for a change. We haven't been in a while. We haven't become blasphemists or anything, just haven't really taken the time to go. In quite a while.

The other day I was stopped by a man and a woman, Maryln and Tim. They were spreading the word about God the Mother, that in the Bible there is indeed mention of the Bride of the Spirit. In fact, in Genesis when God says that the world will be created in His image, it says "Let us make the world in our image." Yes, they did show me scripture and continued to mention the importance of realizing God the Mother for your salvation, it was just a hard thing to swallow considering the Bible is not studied to find all its quirks; it seems like those have already been found. It's studied to be studied, and to take in and emit the information that is already there and known. Who knows, maybe a revolution is about to take place in the realization of God the Mother.

Love Is In The Air

Everyone is so smitten, and it's not even Valentine's Day. New sparks of romance are popping up all around me and it makes me smile so.

Also, laying around, snowed in, watching Harry Potter with loved ones isn't a bad thing either.

Happy January 30, everyone. It'll be a great day today.

There's something ethereal about sitting and listening intently to classical music. I just took an hour to myself to sit down, grabbed some high quality headphones, a recording and score to Beethoven's Symphony 2.

As I followed the score with the recording, I began to wonder, what was Beethoven thinking? He made a point of saying that he never wrote music to portray a picture except when specified specifically, such as his sixth symphony. Mostly he wrote his music in dedication to an individual who he esteemed highly, such as Gotfried van Swieten or Napolean Bonaparte (that is, until he proclaimed himself Emperor of the French. Beethoven was then disgusted by him). Now I ask, what did he see in them that made him think this way? And exactly what, from said individuals, produced sounds which could only be understood when put into a musical dialect? Do people emit music that only certain people can hear? And is it then said person's responsibilty to write the symphony down because only they were able to interpret the music emitting from other said person? Do I make music in someone else's ears?

Nah. Beethoven was deaf anyways.

"What if I were smiling, and running into your arms?...
Would you see then what I see now?"

Some Background Information

In history today we discussed historical images and that it is impossible to analyze them without putting them in context with the time it was created; background info. I'd like to think human beings are the same way.

I simplest of terms, I am a musician, a horn player to be specific. I am a student at the University of Louisville School of Music majoring in french horn performance in the hopes of becoming the next Dale Clevenger (being the principal horn of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra).
Don't mistake me for a stickler, however. I accept any and all kinds of music from some ETID to Regina Spektor. Excluding country, of course. That shit's not music. ;)

I have a wonderful family filled with loving parents, a great brother and newly fantastic sister-in-law, amazing friends, and the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. No, really.

That's enough background info, I believe.

You'll catch on ;)

Obviously Awkward

As in, all first posts.
This blog will contain complaints, rants and spiels (sometimes resulting in incorrect grammar and/or run-ons), joyous comments, and rage filled outbursts. I will not hold back.
I really am stoked for anyone that wishes to follow the details of my life. You will find long expanses of, quite honestly, dull periods broken into segments by intense surges of captivating happenings, whether they be stocked with glee, anger, hatred, love, etc.
Enjoy ;)