I finally practiced today. I'm not sure exactly what took me so long, maybe i felt like I needed a longer break than I deserved. I doubt it. Hopefully I can kick myself back into shape soon, it was rough going today.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly on the idea that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with myself. Sure, I'm going to school for a degree in music performance, but why can't I visualize myself playing in a professional orchestra? Why was it so easy to let my french horn sit in the corner gathering dust for one week after another after another? From there, my thoughts direct to alternatives.
Option 1: Maybe I can't visualize myself in a professional orchestra because I don't want to be there. After all school this past Spring semester made me super unhappy with myself and my life. Maybe there's another passion in my life that I haven't yet discovered, and I need time to put myself out there to discover it. After all, I've always done what I knew would make everyone around me happy, whether I realized it or not. Almost like taking the easy path, the one that was already constructed for me. However, what am I gonna do when I realize this other passion but I'm obviously no good at it (because the only thing I'm relatively good at is music) and my scholarship money goes down the drain and is replaced by a big fat loan? Too many people are counting on the fact that school is free for me.
Option 2: Perhaps I'm just in a rut. Perhaps I'll get back to school in the Fall and jump right back to where I started, excited to learn music, excited about the uncertainty of my career... And all this thinking is my mind playing tricks on me... I'm gonna be a super awesome famous french horn player that travels the world and is first chair in one of the Big 5 orchestras, or perhaps one overseas... Right.
Option 3: If Option 2 were right, why can't I get myself excited about it? And anyways, whenever I try and think of possible alternative passions, absolutely nothing comes to mind. Not even music. That's not the way a passion should be, is it?
Option 4: Perhaps I have no passion for any career there could possibly be out there. No, hear me out. Sometimes I think that not only I, but most of society looks at life in the wrong way. Maybe not the wrong way, but from a different direction. The big thing for most people is to find what you love and then find a way to get payed doing it. What if it's possible to be happy with a job that simply supports you while you live a passionate life in other ways? What if there's a way to be employed for sustenance and outside of the work day use your time to enhance relationships, travel, see what this world has to offer and what God put in it for you to find, or to simply enjoy what you have right in front of you? I feel like that is a very reasonable option, and perhaps the reason why I can't think of what I'm passionate about.
I have a lot of options to consider...
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