Respiratory Infections and Surprises :)

I am home sick for the second day in a row! I just came down with a respiratory infection, which is perfect given that I am a wind instrumentalist. I can't be coughing up my lung! It's quite important to my education and hopefully future career.

But look who's here!!!

He surprised me by walking right in the door yesterday as I was all bundled up on the couch feeling quite sickly. It was the best surprise ever, especially given my ill-condition. I didn't have to be patient after all :)

Today was the beginning of the end of Jeremiah's tour. The last week! I'll see him next Saturday doing what he does best up in Chi-town, where we will continue on home and he will not leave me for a good amount of time. That idea is comforting. His talk of label offers is both exciting and worrisome, unfortunately. I missed him such a ridiculous amount this tour, what's gonna happen when he's gone for two months? Three? Six? Cross-country, international? I wonder if I'll become accustomed to his being gone on a consistent basis or if it will be like this every time. If I will be able to adjust to his absence becoming a majority of the time. I feel as if he's not worried at all. That brings me comfort as well, to a degree.

I've decided I have the worst luck in the world. My car being bludgeoned while I was at school by what was most likely an oversized truck and ego (probably with those stupid fake testicles hanging from the hitch), who obviously had no reason to leave me at the very least an apology note, given his high horse stature. I'm always the one at work who gets to stay late to wait for the stylist that's running behind so I don't get to eat any of the appetizers at the work party that I was supposed to attend. Oh, and I'm only getting $50 on my tax return this year as opposed to my several hundred dollar return from last year. I was looking forward to buying some essentials for my music degree. Being a performance major without a metronome or a tuner is a tad shameful.

School needs to end. School needs to end, and Jeremiah needs to come home. Everything will be better when I am not up to my eyeballs in stress and worry and problem upon problem upon problem with no one to hold me tight at the end of the day and tell me tomorrow is a new day.

Sigh.

Today, I decided to take Jeremiah's advice, and I woke up.

Normally before class, I sleep as long as I can until it's absolutely necessary for me to get up. Today, I woke up at 6:30, and took the time to not only work out, but shower, have breakfast, play on the computer a bit, and make myself a healthy lunch. It was this crazy awesome feeling of productiveness even though I didn't get anything necessary done. It's like I was being productive for myself. I don't do much for myself very often no matter how much I say I do, so this was a very nice change.

I think I woke up in more ways than one, though. I feel energized, and I have this new commitment and expectation on myself to get shit done. I'm gonna finish painting my apartment today, and I think I might rearrange my bedroom. I've already scheduled a day over Spring Break for Spring Cleaning, and I'm definitely all up for practicing and muscling through the horrid ranges on my french horn. Maybe soon I'll begin to chip away the grime that's not only in my french horn playing, but in my mind and my body. I'm ready to really start new and take a fresh breath of air.

It's time for me to feel inspired again. I'm tired of this monotonous bullshit.

As of late, I am beginning to understand the reasoning behind those that drop out of the music school. I never thought I would, but it's one of those cheap beacons of hope lying just around the corner of a path you know you shouldn't take. You know; the easy way out. I'm resisting temptation.

I've also begun to notice that there's a healthy kind of humble and an unhealthy kind. When I arrived at the music school, I was definitely humbled by the fact that I am not a good french horn player (yet). Which was very healthy. It gave me room to grow, people to inspire me to do my best and strive for that crazy goal you know you shouldn't reach for because it's so ridiculous, but you're reassured by these people that anything can happen. Anything being, you may reach that goal, or you may be taken down a path that you never knew you'd enjoy even more. After digging deeper into my second semester, however, I have discovered the unhealthy kind of humbling. The kind of humbling that makes you feel like you're not good enough at all. It just puts you in your place and tells you "this person is better than you," with no reassurance of optimism. In hind sight, I can't find the distinction between toeing that line and the tipping point which caused me to lose all my confidence. I'm still waiting to get it back.

Jeremiah's only been gone a week and a half. April 3rd can't come soon enough.

Hopefully something a bit more cheery next time.