It is frustrating how people never change. I don't know what it is, maybe I just have a knack for befriending the most stubborn people in the world, but no matter how many second chances or high hopes I give out, in the end people never change. It can seem optimistic for a while, that perhaps a corner is being turned, but the corner was never turned. Just straightened out and readjusted to fit the requirements of his or her own mentality. I think I will stop saying "No really, listen, this person is different, have some faith. They won't make the same mistake again." Because to these people I guess these reoccurring situations don't look like mistakes. They look like comfort and routine, a different variation of the same situation they have always been in, will always wiggle themselves into, and will forever be stuck in. Because people never change. I will continue to have faith at least in the idea that the universe is stable through this kind of humanity.

Red

RED HAIR! I'm definitely excited about it. It's almost as if it's symbolizing this fresh start I'm giving myself.

I finally practiced today. I'm not sure exactly what took me so long, maybe i felt like I needed a longer break than I deserved. I doubt it. Hopefully I can kick myself back into shape soon, it was rough going today.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly on the idea that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with myself. Sure, I'm going to school for a degree in music performance, but why can't I visualize myself playing in a professional orchestra? Why was it so easy to let my french horn sit in the corner gathering dust for one week after another after another? From there, my thoughts direct to alternatives.

Option 1: Maybe I can't visualize myself in a professional orchestra because I don't want to be there. After all school this past Spring semester made me super unhappy with myself and my life. Maybe there's another passion in my life that I haven't yet discovered, and I need time to put myself out there to discover it. After all, I've always done what I knew would make everyone around me happy, whether I realized it or not. Almost like taking the easy path, the one that was already constructed for me. However, what am I gonna do when I realize this other passion but I'm obviously no good at it (because the only thing I'm relatively good at is music) and my scholarship money goes down the drain and is replaced by a big fat loan? Too many people are counting on the fact that school is free for me.

Option 2: Perhaps I'm just in a rut. Perhaps I'll get back to school in the Fall and jump right back to where I started, excited to learn music, excited about the uncertainty of my career... And all this thinking is my mind playing tricks on me... I'm gonna be a super awesome famous french horn player that travels the world and is first chair in one of the Big 5 orchestras, or perhaps one overseas... Right.

Option 3: If Option 2 were right, why can't I get myself excited about it? And anyways, whenever I try and think of possible alternative passions, absolutely nothing comes to mind. Not even music. That's not the way a passion should be, is it?

Option 4: Perhaps I have no passion for any career there could possibly be out there. No, hear me out. Sometimes I think that not only I, but most of society looks at life in the wrong way. Maybe not the wrong way, but from a different direction. The big thing for most people is to find what you love and then find a way to get payed doing it. What if it's possible to be happy with a job that simply supports you while you live a passionate life in other ways? What if there's a way to be employed for sustenance and outside of the work day use your time to enhance relationships, travel, see what this world has to offer and what God put in it for you to find, or to simply enjoy what you have right in front of you? I feel like that is a very reasonable option, and perhaps the reason why I can't think of what I'm passionate about.

I have a lot of options to consider...

So today was a very lazy day. It was a combination of watching Scrubs, reading a book I've already read before outside in the sun, reading said book inside when the sun went away, and watching some more Scrubs. All in all though, it was still a good day. Normally days like this stress me out. There has to be something productive I should be doing, until I remember that when every day is a productive one, usually a very unproductive day is very important for your sanity. At least, that's my belief. Especially since it's summer and I no longer have any obligations besides the 18 hours a week that I work since I every other employee is full time and I can't pick up anymore hours. I'll look at that as a good thing too ;)

Jeremiah has been down in Tennessee for a couple shows this week. One in Knoxville a couple days ago, and another in Nashville tonight. What was awesome was that the venue they played it was able to live stream their show so I could watch it with my friend Ashley. It's nice to think that if I wanted to, I could tell people that I'm dating a rock star. But of course I'm much more humbled than that ;) Oh, and I'm still making friends! I really do feel like I forgot what it's like to have friends, so this past week truly has been amazing. Ready for some Kentucky thunderstorms for tomorrow, and a fun Mother's Day this weekend :)

It must be the weather...

A wonderful week is in store for us! April showers do bring May flowers :) Today was my third day of jogging this week and I feel great. It might sound gross, but walking into my apartment literally dripping in sweat makes me feel super accomplished.

It really must be the weather. So much good is here. My final grades have all finally been posted, and my official GPA as of my second semester is 3.77. Dean's List! My relationship with Jeremiah might be one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and it keeps getting better every day. Seriously. Each day brings new sparks of commitment and laughter. Oh, and I've made friends! For those of you that know me, I have some crazy social anxiety so making friends is a huge accomplishment. Our new kitty Midnight is acclimating herself and her three legs very well to city living. As of now she's lounging in the sun on the back porch. Etc etc.

It must be the weather :)

Everything is happy now. I don't know exactly what happened, I suppose just an impulsive change of heart. Suddenly all the good in my life is ridiculously accentuated and the bad is easy to shrug off. School is done, I have a boyfriend that loves me, a family that's always going to be there for me, and I'm starting to regain some of the friendships I lost in my reclusiveness. Sunny days are sunnier and gloomy days are beautiful in their own way. I think I've returned for good and it feels good to be back.